It started as a dare.
By the time I strapped myself into seat 30A at the back of the plane, it had become more of a personal challenge.
The flight from Brisbane to Kuala Lumpur is a little under eight hours. More than ample time to finish the deed. It’s just a question of whether or not you have enough backbone to pull it off.
Understand, my mates and I are some real hardcore types. A proper rowdy bunch. Sit down for a round of pints with us and you’ll hear a few stories that’ll make you rethink your place in the universe.
However, on the most recent night out, maybe a week before my vacation, we realized none of us not one of us was a member of the Mile High Club. Shocking!
But also an opportunity.
What could be more Alpha than being the first of your mates to join the club? Doing it on a whim, with a complete stranger; no premeditated efforts, no giving myself the inside edge. Just straight up throwing myself out there.
The flight attendant was the first to catch my eye. She had this high-pitched, nasally voice. Sounded a bit like a wounded goat or something. Had to cover my ears as she raised the seatbelt above her head and showed us where the emergency exits were.
But, damn, was she cute. She was more than cute. She was hot. Couldn’t ask for a better candidate.
All I needed was an In. And I found it in the breast pocket of my polo.
A Marlboro cigarette.
Smoking is strictly prohibited, the voice over the PA said. An alarm will sound if smoke is detected in the lavatory.
I wouldn’t even need to light it. I just needed to bring it out at the correct moment. Right when she passed and would have to start the dialogue with Sir, please put that away. That’s all I would need to see if she was game.
Right after the seatbelt sign switched off, I saw her head in my direction down the hall. As casually as possible, I pulled cigarette and twirled it in my fingers.
It was in plain sight. There was no way she could have missed it. But she didn’t say anything. She strode right on by and started arranging things on the food trolleys in the back.
Feeling a little disheartened, I put the dart away. I wasn’t in the mood for hard to get.
A quick survey of the other passengers close by didn’t do much to kindle my interest. I stood up and saw an empty row of seats smack in the middle of the plane. It was the perfect spot. There was bound to be a dance partner somewhere around there.
Sure enough, I was in luck. Right as I took my new seat, I found exactly what I was looking for. And in the row right in front of me no less.
The girl was a platinum blonde stunner. 10/10, 1st overall in the draft type. She looked to be in her mid-twenties. To her left was a creepy-looking, middle-aged married man who obviously couldn’t believe his fortunes getting assigned the seat next to her.
The guy’s head is permanently oriented to the side. He’s babbling endlessly about God-knows-what. The girl must have had a heart of gold or something. Because, she was just politely nodding her head the whole time.
I’m pretty sure I only heard her say four things. All part of a recycled response rotation.
The guy doesn’t take any hints though. He just keeps talking. Any moment of silence, he finds a way to fill it.
It was already starting to annoy me after five minutes of sitting there. And I wasn’t even the target. I was still figuring out how I was going to break the ice. I was just a victim by proximity.
Finally, the dude’s bowels grace us with a gift.
“Don’t go anywhere”, he said with a wink as he got up to go to the bathroom, close to where I was sitting originally.
The girl smiles. The moment the old creep is out of sight, it fades. Her shoulders relax and her head presses back into the seat.
The poor girl was exhausted. I hoped she left something in the tank. She had no idea what kind of guy was sitting behind her, watching the entire thing.
I straightened my shirt as I stood up. My target still unaware of my presence.
I can’t lie, I got a little nervous. I mean, wouldn’t anyone? I’d never actually accomplished this badass feat before. I still wasn’t sure exactly how I was going to pull it off.
This girl lets out a long, agitated sigh as my shadow casts over her. I could hear her hold it as I made my way to the back of the plane.
I slid my little shank through the crack in the door and slid the lock open. Piece-of-cake. Why would they serve food with metal cutlery after you get through airport security?
I looked both ways before entering the bathroom to make sure no one saw. Everyone was asleep or looking the other way. More good fortune!
I literally caught the guy with his pants down. The smallest squeak escaped his lips as I plunged my shank into his throat. Blood started pouring out.
Once he went limp, I turned him around and held his head over the toilet. I managed to get most of the blood into the bowl. Only needed a few sheets of paper towel to get the rest.
I was ecstatic. Couldn’t wait to tell the boys. I wanted to scream to the heavens, I was so happy to be the first one in the Mile High Club.
After the cleanup, I poked my head out the bathroom. No one batted an eye. It was like no one even noticed I went in there in the first place.
The back area was empty as well. More good luck.
I hoisted the dude’s body up. With one gentle motion, I brought him over my shoulder. I pushed the door open with my foot and stepped out. Quickly, I turned to the back and stuffed him behind the rows of dirty food tables.
I wondered how long it took after landing for the cleaning staff to find him.
So, here’s my advice to you. Want to do something really Alpha? Join the Mile High Club. It’s quite the rush.